Run All The States!

On April 1st — yes, April Fools’ Day — I headed to St. Louis for the GO! St. Louis Half Marathon weekend. My itinerary was jam-packed with walking, sightseeing, running, eating, drinking, and sports-watching. Basically, cardio in all its finest forms.

Running Expo?

After checking into the hotel, I strolled over to the expo at the convention center. To my surprise, there was zero official race merch! For a race this size, I was expecting logo-covered everything, even little trinkets that no one needs. Instead, I settled for a rogue sticker to mark Missouri off the 50-state list. The expo was part of a bigger “all-things-outdoors” setup, so if I’d needed an RV awning, deer blind, or a fishing rod, I’d have been golden. But running gear? Not so much.

Touristing Begins

I checked out the iconic Arch and the national park before grabbing a very late breakfast. Then I walked (theme of the weekend) to the zoo and — oops — two breweries nearby. The day was sunny but crisp. Spring was still in beta testing.

The zoo? Top tier. You could get so close to the penguins, close enough to get splashed or gently judged. Signs warned “Do Not Touch the Penguins,” which made me wonder… who needed to be told that? But also: understandable. I managed to catch them at feeding time, much to my delight.

Botanicals, Brunch, and Bonus Science

Saturday brought more sunshine and more walking. After brunch, I visited the Missouri Botanical Garden, where the cherry blossoms were blooming like they were in a rom-com montage. Weather was doing that classic spring thing — sunny, cloudy, windy, repeat. I kept putting my jacket and hat on and taking them off like I was in an indecisive fashion montage.

Next up: the Saint Louis Science Center, where I found a hockey exhibit and attempted to relive my street hockey youth. Turns out, I peaked as a 10-year-old.

Race Day: Let’s GO!

The alarm went off at 5am, which felt illegal. I’d had trouble falling asleep, so I zombied my way to the shuttle, half-frozen but upright.

The shuttle dropped us at Forest Park by the visitor center, where the race would begin. I saw someone in a 2021 Freep Marathon shirt and cheerfully said, “Hey, I’ve run that!” She looked at me like I’d offered her a raw onion. Okay, fair, it was very early and only 35°.

The race announcer kept warning us the corrals were closing 15 minutes before the start, but everyone around me was just vibing. Thousands of runners milling around, ignoring the threats like it was their job.

At 7am sharp, it was time to… GO! With each wave, the announcer and crowd shouted a hearty “GOOOOOOOO!” Gotta love commitment to branding.

Rolling Hills & Rogue Water Cups

Hills and I have a complicated relationship, and this course had plenty. The race was point-to-point from Forest Park to near the Arch. At mile one, I regretted not bringing gloves but knew I’d eventually warm up. At an early water stop, I fumbled the cup and accidentally dumped water all down my tights. Classic.

We passed neighborhoods, parks, and cheerful spectators — plus dogs! Delmar was a long eastbound stretch that went on for what felt like 14 years. Sunglasses would’ve helped here; as it turns out, the sun rises in the east and directly into your corneas.

I felt good until mile 8… when my body decided it was done with this nonsense. From there on, it was a slow-motion slog. But hey, magnolia trees and sunshine helped distract me from the creeping despair.

Around mile 11, a man shouted, “You kids are doing great!” and a woman next to me said, “Aww, he called us kids!” and truthfully, that brought a smile and carried me another half mile.

To the Arch-ish!

We turned onto Market Street and finally, the Gateway Arch came into view. Sort of. The finish line was said to be in its “majestic shadow,” but it was more like… somewhere in the general shadow district? The final stretch included surprise gravel and a downhill sprint that felt like a trap.

Behind me, two ladies were charging toward the finish:

One yelled, “HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT?!”

Her friend responded weakly, “I… don’t think I want it anymore.” I mean, I get it. We’ve all been there.

I crossed the finish line… in a casino parking lot. Anticlimactic, yet somehow appropriate.

This medal has it all: the Arch, the Capitol dome, the city skyline, and a giant city flag that makes it look like St. Louis is either on fire or throwing the world’s most patriotic rave. The finish line goodies included bananas, Schlafly summer lager (yes please), and a much-hyped Gooey Louie cake that seemed to have a cult following.

Also: there were people with orange foam fingers and vuvuzelas seemingly everywhere, but I never figured out where they came from. Probably a secret society.

Post-Race Bonanza: Ribs, Fish, Blues, & Barclay the Dog

After a nap-worthy breakfast and a gloriously hot shower, I headed back to the Arch for the full tourist experience — including a tram ride to the top in a capsule that felt like it was built by NASA’s claustrophobic cousin.

Downtown St. Louis from 630 feet above:

Then I took a Tom Sawyer-style riverboat cruise, which was scenic… if you’re into industrial docks and bridges. Weather was again on shuffle: warm, then cloudy, then chilly. Spring, man.

I was back on my BBQ nonsense, and those St. Louis ribs are no joke. I entered a blissful meat coma shortly after.

I stuck around an extra day to catch a St. Louis Blues game, but not before checking out the aquarium at Union Station and grabbing a pint at the Schlafly Tap Room. The hockey game was a blast (Blues won 5–1 by the way) but the real star? Barclay, the team’s official dog. He’s a yellow lab, certified good boy, and visibly so over kids. After a pack of them left, he let out the world’s most relatable sigh. His handler said, “I know, buddy. Five more minutes.” Same, Barclay. Same.

Thank you for a fun time, St. Louis. You may be the Gateway to the West, but for one weekend, you were the gateway to my weird little heart.

St. Louis Superlatives

• Funniest sign: Gandalf in sunglasses yelling “RUN, YOU FOOLS!”
• Celeb sighting: Left Shark (yes, that Left Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show) running the marathon. Iconic.
• Best unintentional joke: We passed a place called “Just Chicken,” but the building also said “Fish, chicken, and shrimp” underneath. A woman pointed it out like it was a scandal. I’m still giggling.
• Weirdest hotel setup: My room had no window, just a door that opened… to an indoor pool atrium with lots of children running about. Thank you, noise-canceling headphones.
• Most painful moment: I hit my head very hard on a bar counter at a taco place while plugging in my phone. I didn’t see any cartoon birds, so I think I’m okay?
• Strangest vibe: Terror Tacos — a vegan, horror-themed, heavy metal taco joint. Yep, that’s where I concussed myself.